More and more I have the urge to write about motherhood and my experiences. The ups and the downs. I only have one child so I am by no means an expert – motherhood is definitely a learn on the job kinda gig. I certainly don’t want anyone thinking that I complain too much about the struggles I often go through as a mom because becoming a mom has honestly been the absolute best thing that has happened to me. But man, there are tough days and this is my outlet to express that.
When I found out I was pregnant we were OVERJOYED and a bit surprised. We had been “trying” I guess you could say, but we both thought that it was going to take us a while to get pregnant. It didn’t. A month later I was pregnant and we quickly began house hunting. I will never take for granted how quickly God blessed us with a baby. I know SO many people that struggle and struggle and struggle to get pregnant. We were so blessed and could not wait to embark on our new journey.
We were both scared at the thought of bringing a new little life into this world. We wondered if we were going to be good parents. We talked about how we would do it and things we would NEVER do. Haha – I laugh because we’re doing some things we said we’d NEVER do.
While I was pregnant I remember worrying about Mitch. He hadn’t ever really been around kids other than my own nieces and nephews and he had never even changed a diaper. He kept saying how he wanted the first diaper he changed to be his own childs. It was kinda cute but at the same time a little terrifying. Ha. I, on the other hand, thought I had it in the bag – I had nannied for years, I had 5 nieces and nephews – I got this, I thought. Now looking back, I’m like, ummm.. you knew nothing. LOL!
There really is nothing that can prepare you for motherhood. There’s no way to predict how your baby is going to be. I had read articles about certain things like breastfeeding and making my own baby food and that kind of stuff definitely was helpful, but there are some things you just can’t prepare for. Like, when your baby randomly spikes a fever or your babe is uncontrollably crying for hours and you’re on zero hours of sleep as it is. It is super hard.
Yesterday I had one of the roughest mornings I’ve had with Cole. He woke up in a bad mood so right away we started off on a bad note. He wanted nothing to do with anything. He was so mad but he didn’t know what he was mad about or what he wanted. I was trying to get him dressed and it was nonstop kicking, screaming, crying, hitting… And then they do this crazy move where they stiffen up like a board and literally, you can’t do anything with them. And it happens so suddenly, too. It is exhausting. During these moments I literally drop to my knees and pray. I ask God what I’m doing wrong, what he’s trying to teach me and how I can be better. I was just feeling defeated and I felt like my son hated me and was an unhappy little boy – and it was all my fault.
I dropped Cole off at school and felt like I had been hit by a bus. I was sooooo mentally and emotionally exhausted. When we walked into his classroom, before I put him down, he looked at me and gave me a kiss. It was like he was saying sorry for being a bad boy. And of course, my heart melted – annnnd at the same time I was like “ohhh, ya you’re acting all sweet in front of your teacher and your classmates now?” haha – kids have impeccable timing.
I picked Cole up from school a couple hours later and put him down for a nap when we got home.
When he woke up from his nap he was like a different child. He was the sweetest, happiest, little boy and I seriously could not believe this was the same child that was acting possessed earlier this morning. This carefree, wild little man was running all around the house and having so much fun. And that’s just how motherhood goes. You have the TOUGHEST moments and shortly after you have the BEST MOMENTS EVER.
God knew I needed him to show me something. He knew I needed some reassurance that I was doing an ok job. And that is exactly what he did. I needed that playful afternoon with my little boy. It is these moments that outweigh those tough moments tenfold. Like, right before bed when I am walking out of Cole’s room and he’s blowing me kisses from his crib; or when He goes back and forth as fast as he can giving me and Mitch kisses; or when he laughs so hard he falls over.
BEST. MOMENTS. EVER.
So, yes, motherhood is hard. I don’t think it’s ever not hard and I’ll probably never stop expressing my frustrations or concerns as a mom; but it is beyond joyous and so incredibly fulfilling that sometimes my heart feels like its going to burst.
This Sunday is Mother’s Day; so make sure you give your mom and all the moms some love. There is no one that deserves it more